The Magnificent Seven
by AGodAmI
Summary: High school AU! Lucas is shipped off to a private school and soon discovers that not everything there is normal - namely, the electric mice, space marine furries, and that guy who says Falcon all the time. In this new environment, Lucas must brave all those people, Zorro copycats, and, worst of all, BONDING WITH PEOPLE IN A CLUB! NOOO! Ness/Lucas (maybe TL love triangle), Link/Pit.
1. Prologue

**(Hello again, dear readers, and welcome to my second fanfic. The characters are mostly the same as in A Tale Of One Mansion, except Lucas is kind of a dick, so have fun and stuff. Sorry about taking such a long time to upload this; I just got caught up in school and didn't have nearly as much time to write this as with ATOM, plus there was the whole thinking of a new story idea thing.)**

**INTRODUCTION: IN WHICH LUCAS GOES ON THE BUS. SERIOUSLY, NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS, BUT IT'S OK. IT'S THE JOURNEY THAT COUNTS, NOT THE DESTINATION, BUT THE DESTINATION WILL BE IN THE NEXT CHAPTER, 'K? 'K.**

"Now, remember, Lucas, don't smoke or take drugs or have sex or anything like that." reminded Hinawa, kissing her son on the cheek as she sent him out the door. Lucas felt the cool northern air on his cheek as he looked off into the distance to see where the bus was with its children and wheels and yellowness and polluting fumes, brought to you by the North Dakota oil boom.

"Fuck the North Dakota oil boom," remarked Lucas, unwittingly out loud. Don't you worry, though, he had good reasons to say those words, as unbecoming as they were for a boy of his age. The boom was what had gotten him into this mess – his family needed money after Flint lost his job, and anything was better than unemployment. However, the decision to move did have some unintended consequences, namely the fact that Lucas had been totally uprooted from his home of 14 years and plonked down in Nowheresville, The Worst Fucking State (the consequences may not have been entirely unintentional, however – he had had some trouble at his previous school, mostly involving that time he set a girl's hair on fire by thinking about it).

The horrid screech of the bus's brakes, which probably translated into English as "Kill me now", snapped Lucas out of his reverie as it pulled up to his driveway and the doors slid open, sounding like some sort of steampunk nightmare where the whole damn school ran on gears and pistons – Lucas frankly wouldn't be surprised if the interior featured one of those old-timey train whistles. Stepping on board, he did a quick glance around the rows of seats to check if there were any normal people there; there were only two. The other seats were occupied by such varying ladies and gentleman as a thing in a suit, a man who looked far too old to be there, a marshmallow with eyes that stared deep into your soul, and a fucking mouse. Not even an anthropomorphic furry-type mouse (not that Lucas was an expert on furries, mind you), but a normal, human-sized mouse that seemed to crackle. He shuffled his way past the cast of characters to find that, much to his delight, there was an empty seat, one of a group of two that was currently being inhabited by a masked figure who would have been imposing had he not been so short. Somewhere, off in the distance, a Spanish guitar played.

"_Hola, senor. Sientate_." said the figure, motioning toward the empty seat with his sword. "_Me llamo Meta Knight._" Lucas narrowed his eyes. "Dude, come on. I've literally never read a Spanish textbook in my life and even I know you're supposed to do that funny squiggle thing on the n." Sr. Meta Knight's (What does that even translate as? Sr. Gran Caballo? No, that doesn't make sense. What the hell, it's his name now) eyes dimmed as he looked off into the distance. "_Mira, yo nunca he pudido hablar muy bien. Lo siento si no me puedes entender. Y otra cosa – como te llamas?"_ Lucas rolled his eyes at Sr. Gran Caballo's crumbling layers of sexy-Hispanic-ness before giving his name. He then decided to turn his attention away from that particular dud of a conversation to focus on the gentlemen sitting across from him, one of whom was wearing normal-people clothes and a baseball cap and the other a green tunic and a hat (though the latter had weird ears, so he was probably some inbred yokel from Podunk, Mississippi). Sadly, the two were engaged in some whimsical conversation that Lucas could only hope to plumb the surface of, but that didn't really matter; it was probably about Minecraft or something like that. Lucas had never understood what all the fuss was with that –

OHMYGODTHECAPGUYTURNEDHISHEADABITANDSHOWEDHISFACEA NDHESORTOFMADEEYECONTACTWITHLUCASANDHEWASSOHOTANDI TWASAMAZINGANDTHATWASTRUELOVERIGHTTHEREOHMYFUCKING GODANDYOUCOULDTELLJUSTBYTHELOOKINHISEYESTHATHE'STO TALLYAMAZINGANDNOTSOMEJERKJOCKWHOSLEEPSAROUNDANDST UFFBUTHEWASPROBABLYSTRAIGHTLIKEFUCKINGEVERYBODYELS ESOLUCASWASSTILLSHITOUTOFLUCKBUTMAYBEHECOULDASKHIM SOMETIMEANDISHOULDHAVESTOPPEDUSINGCALLCAPSAWHILEAG OSORRYABOUTTHAT.

Anyway, Lucas's face was bright red by now; he quickly averted his eyes from Cappy and pretended to be checking something on his shirt. "_Te gusta el chico, no?_" Sr. Gran Caballo winked with one of those weird, soulless eyes. "Yeah." responded Lucas, quickly throwing up the Anti-Bullying Walls he had meticulously crafted throughout middle school. _"_What are you going to do about it?"

"_Ay, no, no es como eso. Estoy bien con la homosexualidad. Yo soy…soy un poco de mismas cosas, sabes?"_ The Masked Marshmallow's limited vocabulary was beginning to get the best of him, and he was thankfully saved from having to stretch any more by the screechy-brakes noises that heralded the beginning of the first day of the rest of Lucas's life.

Porky Minch was nothing. This was the Super Smash Institute For Exceptionally Gifted Individuals (SSIFEGI).

**(Sorry about the lack of accents and upside-down question marks and stuff in Meta Knight's speech – I can't figure out how to get them on Word. Also, a note on the general universe of my fanfics: yes, they do take place in the real world, no, Nintendo does not exist (so no one's going around like "OMG GUYS MARIO'S REAL I SAW HIM THE OTHER DAY"), and yes, that does lead to the fact that, canonically, this and the previous fanfiction take place on a parallel Earth that exists within the Nintendoverse and where all the Nintendo people hang out in their spare time, as well as Snake and Sonic – they snuck in disguised as nuns. Anyway, I hope you liked the introduction, so stay tuned for Chapter 1! I haven't established what my schedule for this will be, or if I'll even have a schedule, so just check in regularly or do that story alert thing. Have fun!)**


	2. JFK, CIA, KGB, GSA

**(Hello once again, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first actual chapter of The Magnificent Seven, in which the titular seven are FINALLY REVEALED! So now the plot's going! Yay! I decided to actually name my chapters this time around, because Doc Manager was getting to be a pain with all the Chapter 2: CHAPTER ONE stuff in ATOM. Anyway, enjoy!)**

**Chapter 1: JFK, CIA, KGB, GSA**

"…so that's varsity football at 4:30 PM right here out on the football field, so be sure to tune in for that. Now over to a message from…drumroll, everyone…Pit. Well, that was not as big a reveal as I had hoped, so now my day is ruined." Morning Show head anchor Snake yawned as the low-budget school camera panned over to the club-announcement table, at which a rather angelic senior was sitting with a sheet of paper with him.

"Thanks for that, Snake. GSA will have our first weekly meeting in Room 666 on Wednesday, September 8, that's today, so be sure to come – we'll be taking roll and doing procedures and all that boring stuff. I tried to dye my wings rainbow for the occasion, but as you guys can see that did not totally work out." The angel, who was probably the Pit fellow the other anchor had been speaking of, gestured vaguely toward his right wing, which was splattered with paint on the tip of it and missing several feathers. "You know, it would have been comical if it weren't for the fact that the whole thing had real consequences for the real house that I really used to live in," he said, sighing wistfully. "I'll miss you, autographed portrait of Neil Patrick Harris that the auction dude said was fake but I still believe in. Also my dog. I'll miss you too, Twinbellows."

"Thank you, Pit, for that deeply moving performance – a slight charring around the edges does not a ruined house make, and I know for a fact that your dog is just sick because you were stupid enough to try and feed him cafeteria food." Snake turned over to Camera 3, which was the exact same camera as before, but moved really quickly in the hopes that no one would notice. "That's all for the Morning Show today, ladies and gentlemen. Have fun with your hellish lives as you squirm in the iron grip of Mr. Noto's marketing class."

"What's GSA?" asked Lucas of the blue bird sitting across from him. "And what's Rhombus?" "Fuck Rhombus – you don't need to know what it is; all you need to know is that, while I technically am a staff writer, I just do it for the free muffins." responded the bird. "GSA's what all the cool kids are calling the Gay-Straight Alliance, sort of like how Pizza Hut wants everyone to call it The Hut or some shit. My blood brother Wolf's in that, so I guess it's marginally better than Pizza Hut, but I've never been much one for doing things, you know what I mean? I'm Falco Lombardi, Class of 30s!-92^2, by the way – you might call me a sophomore. Pleased to meet you." Falco extended his hand, which Lucas shook very nervously so as not to yank out the five feathers that passed for fingers. "I guess I'll be there, then." he replied.

Lucas looked anxiously at the clock on the wall, which was currently displaying a time far too early for a boy of his age and mental state to be anywhere near awake and wished upon a star or something for time to somehow speed up. Somewhere, off in the distance, a star twinkled.

**LATER, AFTER THE MAGICAL TIME SKIP**

"…and so that's how John Locke caused 9/11." concluded Mr. Stewart as the end-of-class bell awoke most of his students. "Homework is pages 85-87 and 90-92 in the textbook and the accompanying questions. Write them in blood or whatever, I'm just here 'cause the last teacher turned out to be a crack dealer." Lucas shuffled vaguely out the door as he remembered Falco's advice – one should never make a habit of disregarding the opinions of people who looked as if they could tear you limb from limb with ease. Luckily, he was already on floor 6, so room 666 shouldn't be that far…

**SLIGHTLY LATER, AFTER REALIZING THAT IT IS IN FACT VERY FAR ON ACCOUNT OF TERRIBLE PLANNING CHOICES**

Lucas didn't so much open the door as fall on it and hope he was pushing on the push side, which he serendipitously was. The door opened to reveal a rather small room, the walls covered in those "do your homework and don't plagiarize" posters, except for the wall opposite the door, which had a large, obviously-handwritten sign reading "PRIDE 'N' STUFF 2013 #PITSWAG" in rainbow colors – definitely the right place. "_Ah, senor, estas aqui." _came a voice. Sr. Gran Caballo was gay, apparently.

"Quit with the Spanish, Meta, no one can understand you." reprimanded an angel – the same one from the Morning Show, so probably Pit and therefore the creator of the sign – currently lounging on one of four inordinately large beanbag chairs. "Hello, O Froshy One. I'm Pit, current president of GSA. These here are the rest of the Fab Four: VP Link, Pit Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive two years running, Treasurer Meta Knight, who is fluent in English so don't be fooled, and General Secretary Wolf, who has a last name." He indicated the rest of the group, a boy who looked exactly like pointy-ears from the bus but older, Sr. Gran Caballo, and a wolf, who replied "It's O'Donnell, Wolf O'Donnell, and thanks for giving me that excellent opportunity to do the James Bond thing, Pit. That's why you're the president."

"So are you gay, Froshy? And what's your name?" asked Pit. "It's Lucas, and yeah I'm gay – " "MOTHERFUCKER!" The angel's face contorted into an expression of pure rage as he threw an expensive phone right across the room, probably shattering some circuits that a poor Chinese child had worked very hard to make. "Sorry about that, Lucas, it's just that we've literally never had a 100% straight club member and I graduate this year, so you get the picture." he apologized. "And welcome to what is now the Fierce Five. Take your pick of identical beanbag chair and Japanese soft drink."

"Thanks, Pit." responded Lucas as he wedged himself in between Pit and Sr. Gran Caballo, who he decided to call Meta Knight now because that's easier to type. Suddenly, the door opened.

"You can do it, Ness! Fight through the pain! Don't pussy out on me or I'll cut you! Hi bro!" Pointy-ear kid and the incredibly hot kid jogged through the door, sweating profusely. "More froshes!" Pit's eyes lit up. "You guys straight? Either one?" Link looked at him like he had just asked what 2 + 2 was. "Dude, we've been over that, and don't say frosh. It's weird." "Sorry about that, gentlemen, we'll just have to wait. Welcome to the Magnificent Seven." Pit scooted his chair over to make room as the hot boy, who was apparently Ness judging by pointy-ears's comment.

"So are you two a couple or something?" asked Lucas. "And hi I'm Lucas that's Pit that's O'Donnell Wolf O'Donnell that's Link and that's Meta Knight." "It's complicated…" began Ness. "No it's not. We dated for a bit and then we stopped. Less than ten words." answered pointy-ears. "I'm Toon Link and that's Ness."

"Well, then," replied Pit. "The buses have left and there's nobody here but us chickens and Cooking Club, but no one goes to Cooking Club except Kirby. Now, to our first order of business."

**(AN: So that was Chapter 1, and we've got the characters, the setting, and a teensy weensy bit of backstory. Yay! Stay tuned for Chapter 2, which is actually Chapter 3!)**


	3. In Da Club

**(Good evening, dear readers, and welcome to Chapter 2, which is actually chapter 3. Time to get to some good ol' character interaction! Thanks a bunch to Sugar'n'Spice'n'Luv (now where have I seen you before?) and pokemoncha for favoriting and following my story!)**

**Chapter 2: In Da Club**

"So when did you guys realize you were gay? Anyone have any heart-wrenching coming out stories to share and build group cohesion?" asked Pit. "I don't – Skyworld is like the San Francisco of Angel Land, but somehow gayer; it was probably harder to tell people you were straight than gay."

"Gym class 4 years ago – Fox McCloud in the shower, baby." Wolf smiled, recalling a fond memory from years past.

"From when I was a young boy in Dream Land, my parents always instilled in me the idea that if one was to be a truly great warrior, one must be willing to make love to all that is beautiful, and then it all continued from there, _sabe?_" Meta Knight probably made a facial expression, but it was impossible to tell under the mask.

"…I just thought about it really hard." said Ness. "Like, I sat down in my room one day and was all like 'hey maybe I like dudes' and then later I was like 'yeah I like dudes'." There was a general chorus of "same here"s from TL, Lucas, and Link.

"…Wow, guys, I'm loving the enthusiasm here. You do realize this is, like, a safe space and stuff, right?" asked Pit. "Talk about dicks and guys and guys' dicks or whatever, my lips are sealed."

The silence was somehow audible as various club members fidgeted in their comfy chairs.

"…OK, then. No dicks for today." Pit scribbled something down on his notepad. "Jesus, guys, did none of you do anything today? What are your feelings like? Do you like video games? How about old movies? I like old movies. Link, do you like old movies?"

Link stayed stunned for a minute, taking in the barely-concealed rage bubbling beneath Pit's shiny happy exterior. "Well, I guess it depends on what movie it is." "See? This guy knows what he's talking about! You shits don't even know how to gay." Pit leaned over and kissed Link quickly on the cheek.

"Wait, how do I gay?" piped up TL. "And what if only bits of me are gay?"

"Watch the Tonys every year, mostly. Also date guys." responded Pit. "At least that's what I do – yours might be different depending on which bits of you are gay."

"…Well, the bit that cries a lot, so I guess my eyes? Link, do my eyes look gay to you?" The boy peeled his eyelids back and shoved his face right into Link's; the latter recoiled in horror. "Jesus, TL, you know I hate it when you do that thing with your eye!" He scrambled around in panic for a bit before hiding behind Pit. "And I can't tell from that angle. Look at some dicks and see if your pupils dilate."

"Wait, what's so weird about his eye?" asked Lucas, afraid of what the answer might be. His fears turned out to be correct: TL immediately pulled open his left eyelid and shoved a monstrosity that passed for a human eye right into the blonde's face. "Oh God stab it! Stab it now! I don't care how disfigured it would be, I don't even – what the fuck – it doesn't even move – isn't that thing supposed to be white – Oh, Jesus Christ!" Feeling a bit lightheaded, Lucas attempted to orient himself with regards to his beanbag chair and spectacularly failing. "Lucas!" A voice rang out as he fell backwards and stopped about eighteen inches short of the floor due to the actions of a pair of strong arms that shouldn't have been the exact temperature to cuddle someone while they fall asleep and yet somehow were – how was it possible to get that amount of arm heat on command? Witchcraft?

Suddenly, witchcraft stopped mattering as Lucas looked up to find the bearer of those arms' face above his, and even when it was upside down relative to his field of view he could recognize Ness's face anywhere, even though they really barely knew each other and had only seen each other twice. I guess that's what true love does to a guy.

"Thanks, Ness." he said in his I'm-in-a-romantic-movie-and-my-love-interest-just- saved-me-which-will-inevitably-lead-to-a-relations hip voice (which he had not practiced at all, interestingly), pausing to let the anime rose petals to float around them as their faces were bathed in unnaturally flattering light. "You're welcome, Lucas." responded Ness in the same general tone of voice, which of course caused Lucas to blush even more than he already was.

"All right then. I motion to ban TL from ever doing that again. All in favor?" Six of the seven raised their hands (first person to correctly guess which ones wins a cookie!) and Pit banged a ruler with a James Buchanan bobblehead taped to the end on the ground in lieu of a gavel, because Mr. Fredenburg was extremely protective of his gavel – it had been passed down in the family for generations and he didn't like it when students touched it. "The motion passes. TL, keep that thing closed or put on an eyepatch or something."

"So what exactly do we do here?" asked Lucas. "Do we festoon the school with rainbows and tell kids to not commit suicide?" "Sure, I guess. I mean, I've always thought of it as a sort of place for us gentlemen of the homosexual persuasion to hang out and be friends, united in a happy kumbaya of gayness." answered Pit.

"So we just dick around, metaphorically and literally?" asked Lucas. "Basically, yeah, if you want to put it that way. If you want to do some activism we can always boycott Russian mail-order brides." Pit winked at the other club members at this suggestion, clearly pleased with himself. "See what I did there? See what I did there?" Link rolled his eyes. "Yes, Pit, I see what you did there, and it was good until you started winking. See, if we're going to get married someday, I'm going to damn well make sure you don't fuck up perfectly good jokes, 'K?" Pit nodded his head in shame and then glanced over at his phone, an action which caused his eyes to widen substantially. "Shit, guys, it's 3:45! The late bus just left!" The angel quickly started shoving his things into his backpack, muttering "ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap" under his breath until Link tapped him on the shoulder. "Dude, you can fly. You have wings. And besides, I've met your parents and I doubt they'd care how you got home. Want to go together?"

"Naturally, my good sir. Shall we be off? Club dismissed." Pit hooked his arm around Link's and the two marched off in a manner that suggested for some reason that they should both be wearing top hats and monocles.

"_Adiós_." "Bye." "See ya." "Bye guys." "Bye." The four remaining members of the club filed out the door, Lucas pausing to take one last look around the room that had made his day a lot more interesting before closing it for good, or at least 'til next Wednesday. Maybe high school wouldn't be a total shithole.

**(AN: There you have it: Chapter 3 which is really Chapter 2. Nothing more to say on this except stay tuned for Chapter 4 which is really Chapter 3, which will come whenever.)**


	4. On Hiatus Due To The Shutdown

Update!

Hey guys, sorry about not updating recently - stuff has gotten in the way and I've encountered some writer's block. Just letting you guys know I still care about you and the story

Regards,

AGAI


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